i am addicted to social media

It’s weird to say. I’m 22. I only spend about an hour on twitter a day. But I’m addicted to social media. There’s really no other way to slice it.

If you asked me to write out the top 5 most negative things in my life today, I’m not sure what 2-5 would be, but number 1 would certainly be twitter. I don’t enjoy it. I never leave the platform happy. In fact, I usually leave it upset to the point where I physically log out of it on my web browser. I don’t have the app because I don’t want to have such easy access to twitter.

I used to say I at least enjoyed most of the humor, but I can’t even say that. It feels purposefully redundant and low-effort. As if it’s all a tongue and cheek wink to say, “if you try to make a unique joke, you’re a loser”. I mean to waste one’s time on comedy when there are bigger issues in the world is nothing short of morally reprehensible. ~Furthermore~, any self-aware person would know that no attempt at being unique or creative is real if one considers the entire space of human thought. So, don’t try. Try even less than not trying. Try to be derivative: it’s what all the cool kids are doing. Trying is lame as hell. Copy someone else. Deconstruct the meme. Reconstruct the meme. Tell the joke without a punchline. It’s funny cuz it literally isn’t funny. And you know what, we can make the images grainier and grainier because it would be inconsistent to purposefully retain image quality when the joke is worn thinner than the seams of an outlaw cowboy’s jeans. Yup, the humor has run its course with me. It’s too many layers deep into the “irony”. It’s too “niche”. I’m just not smart enough to “get it”. More “quotation marks”.

Ok. Comedy diatribe over. You get the point. I don’t find it funny anymore.

I don’t find it funny and the tidal wave of social anxiety has always been bad for my psyche. Everyone’s got a problem to tell you about and it’s big. No, it’s real big. It’s the biggest problem since, 10 seconds ago. Shit needs to burn. Retribution requires blood. Systems must be torn down. Stop writing in English; YOU’RE PERPETUATING COLONIALISM. Damn it, I’m sorry. I want to do what’s right. Hell, there’s so many things wrong… How do you all care about all of them at once? I mean honestly, I can’t even imagine holding all of these travesties in my mind at once. There must be something wrong with my brain because everyone else seems to be able to keep up. This stupid voice just keeps chastising me for not caring enough. I’m such an awful person. Why do I want to run away from it all? I need to do my part to make the world a better place: like, retweet, like, like, retweet… wait just ‘like’ I haven’t read enough about that to ‘retweet’, like, thread(?), wtf is a twitter space? (SERIOUSLY WTF IS A TWITTER SPACE). Or maybe it’s just me. Maybe they’re all actually making the world better and I’m just hating because I don’t actually do shit. I mean I am a self-proclaimed ‘problem child’. Jake Paul era or whatever. Are you guys actually making the world a better place? Please tell me, but like DM me. Don’t expose me on main *that emoji*. I can’t THINK. Everyone is speaking in absolutes! I thought that was only siths. I hate absolutes. Don’t tell me what to do. 22 year old heterosexual male who doesn’t want to be told what to do – CLASSIC. I’m just asking for a little bit of kindness. It’s not you, it’s me. I can’t take all your words. I can’t. I just internalize and then self-reflect, then self-reflect, then self-reflect, the reflect on society, then reflect on how my personal failures may influence my societal reflection, then self-reflect, then I lash out at no one. I remember what you say more than YOU remember. I’m not special. That’s not what this is about. IM BROKEN. I don’t have input control. It’s not even directed at me. Imagine if I was famous…. HA. I should do a paragraph break.

I want to make it uber clear that I am NOT shrouding my critiques in some strange form of multi-layer self-slander (double hyphenation points). This is literally how my brain works. I’m just letting it go. And yeah I’m sharing it. Because I’m a narcist. I mean the psychological diagnosis said the exact opposite, but I’m getting ahead of the comment. I invent comments from people that will never exist. It’s called STEELMANING, doctor. Get with the times. Do you just say things and then not consider the other side? Typical polarized american behavior (centrist point; I’m not a centrist though; for one it defeats the whole point of being a “free thinker”; two I’m just not; not that there’s anything wrong with being a centrist,,,, which is a centrist stance; shit).

Oh and another thing, RATIO + jobless + fatherless (nothing is wrong with a single parent family or a non-traditional family (I don’t mean to be offensive when I use the term non-traditional (I understand that the term implies some sort of ‘correct’ family structure or a white-washed historical view of the family structure (and earlier when I said jobless I didn’t mean to imply that your self-worth is tied up in your earning potential – capitalism is such a trip)))) + weird nerd defending elon musk.

What I’m trying to say is that I’m realizing my favorite thing about living is human connection and I never thought that would be true. It goes against everything I believe about myself, but I want to be seen and I want to see others. I want to speak with people that are carefully listening. People who don’t just like you because you agree with them. I’m not saying all of you aren’t. You are. Just not on here… I look for connection on here and I don’t find it and that’s more lonely than being alone. Far more lonely. What keeps me coming back? The hope that this time it’ll be different? Definition of insanity (the phrase; not the actual definition; you know what I’m saying, for god’s sake don’t make me explain myself).

IF A MFER CALLS THIS POST-IRONY OR META-IRONY. MAN STFU. Not everything needs a NAME. It’s p r o v a c a t i v e. It’s not even that, It’s rambling. Plain and simple. It’s rambling and when I started this, I didn’t plan on rambling. I was going to write something coherent and poignant and express my feelings and relate to humans through the the medium of writing. But nooooooo. Here we are. Doing a Bo Burnham impression (and don’t you DARE read the rest of this in his voice, this is ME. I just said it give this credence, but also want the credit. Screw it. I didn’t say it. I was giving myself an out. I’m trying to tell people that it’s ok to mean what they say and here I am giving myself outs.) You notice I don’t actually use the parenthesis as a parenthetical. It would be way too much work to read. I don’t want this to be a chore for you. This thing happens to me when I’m talking to people where randomly my chest muscles just shake from tensing up and it’s happening now. I’m serious. It’s been happening since at least middle school.

Don’t tell me I have some disorder. I deal with myself. I don’t need a name for everything, so I can dwell on it for 3-6 months straight, create a alter ego around the issue, join a group of online pals who try to one-up one another in the space of life problems they have no control over. Who was dealt a worse hand? Find out on CNN at 7 with Fareed Zakaria. I’m glad it helps y’all though. Honestly. I’m happy for you. My cynicism is aimed at some unrealized third-party who is watching this whole thing and is laughing because they know my internal optimized state just doesn’t align with the cultural zeitgeist. What even is the cultural zeitgeist??? I’m too old to even comment on this. Just deleted a whole paragraph of ranting because the youth are running laps around me. The youth were running laps around me when I WAS the youth. I used to never have social media. My friends created every social media platform that I have. Lord, I wish I could go back and prevent that…

Anyway, I grew up extremely religious – old habits die hard (referencing the weird third-party conversation that is genuinely a real thing in my head).

Note to self about future art: A Back 2 The Future type spoof where going back in time and preventing social media from existing has the negative consequence of………………………………………………………………………………………………………… making the world a better place. That and some twitter nerds remain in obscurity and never drink from the goblet of social clout.

It’s not a condition, it just annoys me that it happens. Like why. I think I stop breathing or shorten my breaths or just tense up. The moral of the story is that this also happens when I go on twitter and I’m reading a particularly aggressive back and forth between “people”. I’m just saying maybe they’re bots. It’s a JOKE josh! Why do you take everything as an honest articulation of personal beliefs? You do it every day! Ok, ok, you’re right. You know what? THIS WHOLE THING IS A JOKE. Don’t hold me accountable for any of this (selling out fellow comedians to join the leftist comedy club (seriously, someone tell Hari Kondabolu that I loved his special and this is all a joke and I don’t want to work with him or anything I just think he’s funny and his work is good I’m just inundated with jokes about “cancel culture” being a boogeyman to say whatever you want without any retribution and honestly these people are probably right I just like comedy you know?)). Why do I laugh at the pain of others? I really can’t breathe right now. Gonna do some breathing exercises and get to bed. You’re a great friend.

Ocean Biogeochemical Dynamics. Jorge L. Sarmiento and Nicolas Gruber. Chapter Particle Remineralization.

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